My AntiValentine
by J. Maria
Summary: Let's face it - before the roses and the chocolate, it was all about pain and suffering.  Wait a minute. . .  Multicross including: BtVS,HP,SPN,Tangled,EvilDead,Dr.Horrible
1. Twisted, Yet Oddly Comforting

Series: My Anti-Valentine  
Part: Twisted, Yet Oddly Comforting  
Author: Jmaria  
Rating: FR-15  
Disclaimer: I own nothing. Joss owns all things BtVS, Disney owns all things Princesses, and Jeffrey Thomas owns his versions of the Princesses.  
Summary: Let's face it - before the roses and the chocolate, it was all about pain and suffering. Wait a minute. . .  
Characters: Kit, Vi & Dawn.  
A/N: So I'm a bit cynical about V-day. I blame it on the fact that I work in retail, and have had to see all the stupid red-hearted crap since just after the first of the year. The fact that my boss came to work and gave me his germs? Not helping matters. Which is why I'm up, hacking out a lung, and being even more pessimistic about this 'holiday'.

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My Anti-Valentine

  
Twisted, Yet Oddly Comforting

"What the hell is that?" Dawn's head jerked back as she blinked at the image on Kit's laptop.

"My ode to Valentine's Day," Kit Holburn grinned maniacally.

"Blood and scars and - why is The Little Mermaid missing an arm?" Dawn's jaw dropped as the image changed to a familiar blond standing in the middle of a pumpkin. "Oh my -"

"I know!" Kit clapped her hands together like a giddy five-year-old given a vat of chocolate. "Isnt it _awesome?"_

"Kind of, in you know, a morbidly awesome way," Dawn shook her head as the image changed again. "Huh, Princess Jasmine is pretty kick-ass."

"Wait till you see Pocahontas. Definitely kick-ass," Vi Day chuckled as she handed off the big bowl of popcorn. "And probably more accurate than the Disney version."

"I don't think she would have killed Flit just to put the feathers on her spear," Kit frowned. "That made me all sad inside. Besides, Belle's is the best."

"That's only because she got to keep the Beast, and you have a thing for furry guys. Which is why you're Team Jacob."

"I thought we stopped using the _Twilight_ characters to represent if we were pro-Vamp or pro-Were?" Dawn didn't take her eyes off the screen as the image changed to the newest Disney princess. "Oh, kick-ass killer hair!"

"Yeah, we decided we were gonna use Kresley Cole's Immortals After Dark instead of Twilight, nimrod," Kit shoved Vi's shoulder playfully. "That way we can have a Team Clem without squicking ourselves out thinking about hot demons with their shirts off."

"Oh, then I am _definitely_ a Team Rydstrom girl," Vi grinned.

"And I'm on Team Lachlan -"

"Not Bowen?" Dawn blinked, taking her eyes away from the screen for a second as Rapunzel changed into Sleeping Beauty. "Why have I _never _seen these pictures before?"

"Bowen _left_ Mariketa to rot and then had that other Mari skank - and I haven't read Garreth's story yet, so yeah, Lachlain pretty much rules. Also, you haven't seen these because your nose's stuck in ancient books and scrolls because you're the only one who knows fifty dead languages."

"Seven dead languages, not fifty. So what team am I?" Dawn asked.

Kit and Vi exchanged a long look. Dawn narrowed her eyes at them. Surely, she couldn't be _that_ hard to place. There were only three teams after all.

"Team William," the watcher and slayer said in unison.

"William? Who's _that_? There's no William in IAD!"

"We know," Kit grinned.

"He's in Gena Showalter's Lords of the Underworld," Vi nodded.

"But we're playing team demon, vamp, or were," Dawn frowned. "Not random immortal cursed by the gods for dipping his wick in too many pots."

"No, but I hear he's going to have a wildly inappropriate relationship with a girl millennia younger than him and -" The rest of Kit's statement was cut off as a pillow thwacked her in the face.

"But its gonna be really sweet!"

"I hate you both."

A/N2: I also do not own Jeffrey Thomas's Twisted Princesses over on Deviantart, which are frankly the most beautiful macabre Disney things _ever_, Showalter's Lords (whom I love to distraction), nor Cole's IAD (in which Rydstrom is probably one of my favorite demons of all time, and I secretly adore Sebastian the brooding vampire).


	2. Shove a Steel Spike Through My Heart

Series: My Anti-Valentine  
Part: Shove a Steel Spike Through My Heart  
Author: Jmaria  
Rating: FR-15  
Disclaimer: I own nothing. Joss owns all things BtVS, JK owns all things HP.  
Summary: Lets face it - before the roses and the chocolate, it was all about pain and suffering. Wait a minute  
Characters: Dawn, Katie, Marcus, Blaise.  
A/N: Set sort of in the Sister's Keeper universe. Katie is Joyce's younger half-sister, and the Summers' girls aunt - Marcus is her husband.

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**__**

My Anti-Valentine

  
Shove a Steel Spike Through My Heart

"Ugh, more candy hearts? Why does your Valentine's Day candy suck as bad as the normal world's?" Dawn grimaced as she peered at the little card that had floated over to her from the group of Hogwarts students in the Three Broomsticks.

"Because that _is _Muggle candy and not Wizarding candy," her aunt Katie chuckled. "Zonko's sells them, they slightly modified it so the message is specially made for the receiver from the giver."

"Oh. I guess that's cool," Dawn's frown deepened. "But what does 'snog you into a wall' mean and why does Blaise Zabini want to do that to me?"

Butterbeer erupted from her Uncle Marcus's nose as he snatched the candy from her hand. Shoving back from the table, he lumbered over to the table of Slytherin students and yanked the tall boy up by his scruff. Katie narrowed her eyes as Dawn giggled insanely behind her hands.

"Didn't that come over from Neville Longbottom's table?" Katie asked quietly.

"Yep," Dawn nodded. "Blaise was a total wanker to Luna the other day."

"I knew letting you hang around Marcus was a bad idea," Katie rolled her eyes.

"Hey, it was _Millicent's_ idea. Neville and I were just trying to stick up for Luna."

"By having your uncle beat up Blaise Zabini?"

"He's not beating," Dawn frowned. "He's just shaking sense into him."


	3. Candy Hearts & Paper Flowers Aren't Cut

Series: My Anti-Valentine  
Part: Candy Hearts and Paper Flowers Aren't Cutting It  
Author: Jmaria  
Rating: FR-15  
Disclaimer: I own nothing. Joss owns all things BtVS, Kripke owns all things SPN.  
Summary: Let's face it - before the roses and the chocolate, it was all about pain and suffering. Wait a minute  
Characters: Dawn, Sam, Vi, Dean (not Resurrected verse)  
A/N: I had wonderful plans of finishing up the last few parts of this series on Sunday after work - until my boss was a big old douche and kept us all over during a snow storm that rivaled snomageddon. Then Monday (day one of two off in a row) was going to be all writing. And then water started coming up from the drainage pipes in my basement. Apparently, when my neighbor got evicted, she had her man and his boys break in and fuck up the pipes. The entire basement is flooded to the landing of the empty house, water is leaking out of it house and sinking our sidewalks and the neighbor on the left sides driveway and making a six inch pond of water in the street in front of all three houses.  
Doesn't _that_ just put you in a loving mood?

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**__**

My Anti-Valentine

  
Candy Hearts and Paper Flowers Aren't Cutting It

"Is that supposed to be cute?" Dawn crossed her arms and glared at the Yeti at her door.

"She likes -"

"Valentine's day was like last week," Dawn narrowed her eyes as the paltry little gift that Sam Winchester held in his hands.

"Dawn, I was on a job. Vi knows that," he clenched his jaw. Vi was an awesome, understanding girlfriend, but her best friend was a pain in his ass.

"Vi has a job, and yet she got all dolled up and waited for _hours _before her Bigfoot of a boyfriend _texted_ her to say he wasn't going to make it because he was three states over with his man-whore of a brother."

"Hey! I am not a man whore, Summers," Dean yelled over Sam's shoulder.

"No, you're a walking billboard for VD," Dawn snorted.

"Oh my god, will you just let Sam in already, Dawnie?" Vi yanked the door back and pushed Dawn out into Dean before pulling Sam into the apartment.

Dawn opened her mouth in protest, but Vi was already slamming the door shut in her face.

"See, Sammy's loveable and cute, unlike you, you little shrew," Dean chuckled, enjoying her annoyance.

"The louse doesn't even tell her where he's going and if he even thinks that goofy little Raggedy Anne and Andy dolls with candy hearts and paper flowers are going to save his ass he's -"

A loud thump and groans Dawn would have preferred to never hear again came from behind the door. Dean, having never had the misfortune to hear them looked scared for his brother. Dawn shook her head and jerked him back from the door.

"Trust me, you don't want to go in there. C'mon VD, lets go to the bar. I'm gonna need a lot of shots."

"And leave Sammy alone -"

"Fine, you wanna go bust down the door and watch your little brother have angry make-up sex, that's _your _kink and more power to you," Dawn turned away and was halfway down the hall when it sunk in.

"Son of a bitch!"

"Keep up, VD," Dawn called back to him. "You're paying for the drinks."

"Like hell I am."

"If you don't pay, you're gonna have to go in there and get my purse."

"Son of a bitch!"


	4. Unexpected Niceness

Series: My Anti-Valentine  
Part: Unexpected Niceness  
Author: Jmaria  
Rating: FR-15  
Disclaimer: I own nothing. Joss owns all things BtVS, Disney owns all things Tangled.  
Summary: Lets face it - before the roses and the chocolate, it was all about pain and suffering. Wait a minute  
Characters: Vi, the Stabbington Brothers, Rapunzel  
A/N: Okay, so I _may_ have been channeling my annoyance with the world in general erupted in Dawn pretty much pissed off at the world. (I took it as her watching out for her friends, but I could see the bitch mode being turned up way high as well). No Dawn. And I cannot even possible explain why I have such a fixation on the two animated thieves. Personally, I blame Ron Perlman because he voiced one/both and I've had a thing for him since he played Vincent on the 80's TV show _Beauty and the Beast_. I'm sick and twisted that way.

**_My Anti-Valentine_**

_Unexpected Niceness_

She was not going to cry, damn it. Not even because of the soppy story that had come out about Flynn Rider aka Eugene Fitzherbert and the lost princess. Not even if they mentioned how he'd _died_ to save her from being imprisoned by Mother Gothel, the old sadistic crone who'd kidnapped Rapunzel as an infant.

It would be really nice if this craptastic alternate dimension she'd been stuck in for the past two years didn't play the whole romance of it up every Lantern day _and_ on Valentine's Day. Sure, it was sweet and all, but it just drove the fact that Vi was alone in this world without her loved ones up a notch.

She didn't even notice she was sniffling until a handkerchief was stuck rudely in her face. Vi blinked at the fairly clean bit of cloth in her face and let her eyes wander up to the rather bulky hand with blunted fingertips. Her gaze continued on to the dark long sleeve shirt that encased muscular arms and led up to the broadest set of shoulders she'd seen since that Tu'lare demon tackled her through three different dimensions. A dark hood was pulled up over the wide broad face of a man who had a scar traveling up his left cheek and under a black eye patch. Vi's breath hitched as she thought about Xander, and everyone at home. The man shook the handkerchief again and looked away. Vi took it from him and quickly swiped at her cheeks.

"Thanks," she murmured, trying to hand it back to him.

He grunted in response as he started to move away, her hand raised with his handkerchief in the air. Vi frowned as she moved to follow him. He was soon joined by another man who was as tall and broad as him, and together they slipped far too easily through the crowd. She lost sight of them as they stepped around the dancers. Annoyed as well as depressed, she puffed out her cheeks and glanced down at the handkerchief now in her hands. Her brow furrowed as she read the tiny, crooked stitched letters B.S. that marked the corner of the handkerchief. Her breath caught.

"Are you enjoying yourself, Vi?"

Vi's head snapped around as she turned to her mistress, the Princess Rapunzel. As luck would have it, she'd been found by the kind-hearted princess when she'd landed here. Feigning amnesia on top of all of her disappearing bruises and breaks, Rapunzel had immediately taken Vi under her wing. The Captain of the Guard and his horse Maximus had deemed her worthy of serving as Rapunzel's lady-in-waiting, and when she'd accidentally showed her slayer strength and agility they made her the princess's bodyguard as well. Vi pasted on a smile as she turned to Rapunzel and her consort Eugene, tucking away the handkerchief in her pocket.

"Yeah, definitely loving the dancing," Vi laughed, trying not to think about the hot scarred guy who'd given her the scrap of cloth in her pocket. And definitely not thinking about how it seemed a bit like fate that he had the same initials as the only person who'd drastically changed her life five years ago.


	5. Cabin in the Woods

Series: My Anti-Valentine  
Part: Cabin in the Woods  
Author: Jmaria  
Rating: FR-15  
Disclaimer: I own nothing. Joss owns all things BtVS, Raimi & Campbell own all things Evil Dead.  
Summary: Lets face it - before the roses and the chocolate, it was all about pain and suffering. Wait a minute  
Characters: Joyce, Ash  
A/N: Mwahaha.

**_My Anti-Valentine_**

_Cabin in the Woods_

Joyce wasn't sure she liked the idea of going away with her friend Cheryl and her brother Ash to a cabin in the woods. Except that she had a crazy crush on Ash and the idea of maybe trying to make something work out between them on a romantic weekend did appeal to her.

Until she found out as they were leaving that Ash's girlfriend Linda, his friend Scott and Scott's girlfriend Shelly were going too. Joyce tried not to pout during the long drive to the middle of nowhere, and not as they settled in for their first night there, but it was really hard not to be upset.

And then the guys had to find that creepy book and the recorder. Joyce tried not to roll her eyes as that asshole Scott insisted they play it. Honestly, what would be the point? But like everyone else, she found herself sitting in the stupid circle listening to the professor's voice as it dragged on about the Necronomicon. This weekend was going to be god-awful, she just knew it.


	6. Cannot Believe My Eyes

Series: My Anti-Valentine  
Part: Cannot Believe My Eyes  
Author: Jmaria  
Rating: FR-15  
Disclaimer: I own nothing. Joss owns all things BtVS, Joss owns all things Dr. Horrible.  
Summary: Lets face it - before the roses and the chocolate, it was all about pain and suffering. Wait a minute  
Characters: Captain Hammer, Dr. Horrible/Billy, Vi, Buffy  
A/N: I repeat, Mwahaha.

**_My Anti-Valentine_**

_Cannot Believe My Eyes_

The screen flip of doom happened on Valentine's Day. Buffy and Vi, along with several other gen-one slayers and watchers froze as a man blubbered on national television. It was some sort of Oprah-esque show based in L.A. about lost loves on Valentine's day. It wouldn't have been anything they would have stopped to watch normally, but the man blubbering could have been Caleb's clone and his lost love looked a hell of a lot like Vi.

"I haven't been the same since Dr. Horrible defeated me," he gushed, the scroll beneath his face reading 'Captain Hammer, lovelorn superhero'.

"And murdered the love of your life?" the host frowned.

"What now?" Captain Hammer's face actually blanked as he tried to remember the reason he'd been booked on the show. "Oh, yeah. Devastated that - uh, Pen-a-lope died. That sick twisted bastard ruined me. Uh, you know, for other women."

"Wasn't her name Penny?" the host scanned his cue cards.

"Penny, yeah. But I called her my Pen-a-lope. She was very, very dear to me -"

The TV clicked off as the group stared blankly at the dark screen trying to process what the hell they'd just seen. Vi was the first to react.

"He couldn't even remember her name!"

"What the hell was that?" Buffy looked over at Giles and Willow, who were already hovered over Willow's laptop.

"Captain Hammer - more like toolbag," Vi muttered darkly. "I need to go slay something."

"Vi -"

"Wait, we found something!" Willow called. "That girl Penny was killed nearly two years ago at a shelter dedication turned face-off between Captain Hammer and Dr. Horrible."

Vi glanced at the computer, which now showed footage of the villain carrying the dead girl to the stretcher. What the hell? If Captain Douchebag had been so in love with her, why was Horrible tenderly putting her on a stretcher? Shaking her head, Vi left the room and soon the building. She walked out into the night, not caring where she was going. The idea of someone looking like her and being dead was creepy as hell. The fact that the guy couldn't even remember her name irked her to no end.

She rounded the corner and slammed into a tall, lanky figure wearing a dark hoodie. At first she thought it might be a bad guy, someone she could pummel senseless to feel better. Instead, it was just a normal blond haired guy who looked a lot like -

"Horrible?" Vi muttered.

"Penny?" Billy cried at the same time.

And that was how Vi got kidnapped by a member of the Evil League of Evil on the suckiest day of the year. But hey, at least he remembered the dead girl's name.


	7. Atrocity

Series: My Anti-Valentine  
Part: Atrocity  
Author: Jmaria  
Rating: FR-15  
Disclaimer: I own nothing. Joss owns all things BtVS, Dreamworks owns all things Megamind  
Summary: Let's face it - before the roses and the chocolate, it was all about pain and suffering. Wait a minute…  
Characters: Lorne, Rona, Metro Man  
A/N: Jediknight suggested the crossing - and I dutifully raced to the redbox and rented it. (I don't get out much, and it's located where I work.) Silly movie made me tear up. Curse you, Will Ferrell, you make me laugh and cry at the same time.

_**My Anti-Valentine**  
Atrocity_

"You know he can't carry a note in a bucket, right?" the young black woman frowned at him.

"That's a little harsh, Ro," the green-skinned man winced, taking a deep gulp of his Sea Breeze. "He's got a nice smolder."

"Oh, I got your smolder right here, Lorne" Rona glared at him.

"He's got _your_ smolder," Lorne chuckled as 'Music Man' sauntered off the stage. "That muscle bound alien's in your immediate future."

"As in I get to kick his demon ass kind of future?" Rona perked up at the idea.

Lorne shook his head. The little slayer was too bloodthirsty for his tastes, especially after what went down in L.A. a few years back. But his Redemption led to and through her for some reason, and right now he was redemption's bitch.

"Not unless you can kick his ass while getting horizontal with him in a darkened bedroom," Lorne snorted.

"I don't do rich white boys," Rona huffed, tossing back a swig of her own drink. But Lorne noticed the blush as she pushed away from the table and out of the bar. Some people never learned.

"So, how did I sound?" the bearded man who'd only introduced himself as 'Music Man' grinned down at Lorne.

"Rough," Lorne hedged. "You need some work, but overall - it had it's own originality."

"Really?" He looked ecstatic to hear that. "I've heard otherwise, but Mega- an old school chum thought I showed some promise. Rox - another friend didn't think so."

"Hmm," Lorne pretended to think it over. "You know, my colleague who just left might be able to help you out in that department. Rona's got a knack for helping artists find their groove."

"You don't say," Music Man grinned.

"I'd hurry along if you want to catch her."

"I think I'll do that."

Lorne shook his head. Metro Man and Rona were going to knock down a few buildings in the process, but in the end things would work out just like his vision had shown him. Which was why he needed about twenty more Sea Breezes to knock the frightening images of his colleague's sex life from his mind. He didn't need to know about the birth mark on her left hip in Technicolor glory. He also didn't need to be playing Cupid for the PtB's on Valentine's Day, but it was a small price to pay while being Redemption's bitch.


End file.
